My Life
” Purpose of Life is Near You.
Frustration at the Age of 32 "
日本語訳
『Motivation of creating a blog』
If I compare life to another thing, it's like a fleeting event of dream. Life is very simple because it only has two realities, birth and death. Death is sure because it is certain that everybody will die someday. Unhappily, this fact never can be changed as the destiny of everybody's story. Besides, our life is shorter than we thought.I'm currently 32 years old, going to say that it's not a big deal to have a short life story. The significant point of my journey happened when my friend told me a story. To be honest, this is my first time to write a long article of my life and I don't think I'm a good writer but even if this is unexceptional, nobody knows,maybe this can become an opportunity for you to find your purpose in life, happiness.
『Start of second life』
Last year, I was supposed to throw my life away. Back then, it's like I used to have buildings blocks piling up high, but with the blink of an eye everything crumbled to the ground, leaving me nothing worth in my entire life. I felt completely torn into pieces that I don't want to exist in this world anymore. Then, it crossed my mind that I wanted to staywhere no-one know my living place. It was a little dream I had when I was young. In fact, it's rather than such dramatic because I just wanted to escape from my whole life and that's the last choice I have.
I swore to myself that I never return to Japan. At that time, I met all those people who became part of my life and I said, "Thank You So Much". It was kind of my last farewell to them and I felt like my life ended there. After that, I sold all my stuff including my car which I really loved and treasured the most. Maybe, with all of these actions I couldn't start my life all over again in Japan.
After that, my friend recommended Cebu to me because it's a good place to study English so, I had decided to go there. When I flew to Cebu, I was determined to tell myself, "I left nothing in Japan so I'm going to live without relying on anyone". At that time, I have noticed something different, I actually don't want to express gratitude to my friends but instead I want to let them feel how important they are to me.
"My life is not wasted, isn't it? You couldn't forget the times we spent together, could you? I was not alone, wasn't I ? " At the moment, I couldn't stop my emotion and cried. Those tears were the disappointments I had for myself. The moment was the start of my second life.
『My untold story』
First of all, I will tell you my never-been-told story. There was something my friend had said that can't be forgotten in my life. I was extremely a normal child back in junior high school and high school and I wasn't that proud of myself. One day, I saw my classmate being bullied by a guy. Without a second thought I helped him. The next day, I got bullied by that guy indirectly. I mean, he forced my classmates not to talk to me. If they do, they will be beaten by him so, I felt isolated until after class and seemed defeated. Back then,one of my friends showed up and said, "I'm sorry for making you lonely. I really want to talk to you. Eventhough he will hit me, I'm okay because we are friends." That was the first event that something is changed about me but that time I didn't even appreciate myself yet.
After that, I got into an ordinary high school and joined a baseball team. Back then, I couldn't find my purpose of going there and whether it's fortunate or unfortunate, I got two suspensions. The first reason was when my friend got bullied by someone and then I got even instead of my friend. Worst of all, the problem was I hit another person. I made a huge mistake at that time. Of course, I really apologized to him for that.
The second reason was smoking cigarette in school. Before that, I found a safety area which was a basketball clubroom. I always smoke cigarette there. There were probably 6 students and almost everyday's the same member. We didn't talk even though we knew each other. One day, it came out from a teacher and then we got questioned individually. As for my situation, if I get another suspension, I have to be expelled. I'm not sure if they knew about it. But surprisingly, all of them said, "Kei didn't smoke there."
They stood up for me. Needless to say, they have their future and some of them already got through college exams. If they get any suspension, they will lose their chance of graduating from high school. I expressed gratitude for what they did. It dawned on me that dropping out could be a fair way for all of us. Then I told the teacher, "They don't have any involvement about smoking. Only I, did that, so I'll be getting a punishment alone." And then, I had a voluntary expulsion. But in fact all those kindness I showed was just an excuse to escape away from everything. I didn't help them per se.
Since then, I did bad things countless times. That's because I just wanted to do anything to hurt people, I didn't even know why. But I could guess I distract myself from despair. If everybody hate me, I could live alone. That's why I did that.
My friends and I usually played basketball at the school ground. Then, we sneak naked in the pool and talked to each other about our wild dreams. Sometimes, we were caught by the cops and run away from them as it is. I don't think it was the right way to spend our youth but I definitely could say that it was an irreplaceable moment for us. I'm really proud and happy that many people surround me at all times. We always share our feeling, even about our tough times. Sometimes, we are fighting with blood oozing, because we couldn't express our emotion. After all, in spite of not talking to each other, we already become friends again and even more than great friendship.
Obviously, I partially regretted my past but I couldn't turn back time, instead I have to please everybody. Now, this feeling is related to my purpose of life and it all made me who I am now.
Since then, I worked for a temporary employment agency for a year when I was 15. I appreciated that I made full use of strongly tough experiences and has turned me with a hungry spirit now. At that time, I didn't have enough money and there were two people in the small single room and it didn't even have a bed and TV. I just brought a sleeping bag from my house. After work, I almost always looked for some coins under the vending machine so I could buy some cheap retort-packed curry. Fortunately, my neighbor gave me some rice everyday, that's why I could eat some meal.
In retrospect, I totally remembered that I didn't even have a bowl and a spoon so as a substitute I used an instant noodle's cup as a bowl and a milk box cut into a shape of a spoon. It was really hard to be in a state of poverty. However, I had a great moment when I bought and ate a little expensive curry. Strangely enough, it was like the most delicious food I've ever tasted in my life. Someday, time will come that I could say "Thank you so much" to him in person.
In retrospect, I totally remembered that I didn't even have a bowl and a spoon so as a substitute I used an instant noodle's cup as a bowl and a milk box cut into a shape of a spoon. It was really hard to be in a state of poverty. However, I had a great moment when I bought and ate a little expensive curry. Strangely enough, it was like the most delicious food I've ever tasted in my life. Someday, time will come that I could say "Thank you so much" to him in person.
It was really difficult for me to work and my boss ordered me to lie about my age like around 20. Occasionally, I didn't feel like working and there was a time when I just stayed in my room. At one time or another, my sturdy boss came into the room and roared angrily from my window even though I lived in the 6 floor of the building. He looked like a wrestler that's why I thought, my time has come.
I didn't tell my parents my whereabouts but they found it and left a lot of foods in front of my room including a great-looking jacket. There was a letter being attached to it with a message,
"Take care of yourself." I was grateful to them. I can't find the right word to describe how touched and thankful I was.
I even swore to myself that I'd never regret about dropping out of high school. After a couple of years, there were like two guys in my mind that I couldn't forget. One guy was saying, "I think you have to start again from scratch and go back to school." But another guy was saying,"Even if you accept the situation you have, you will be a loser in the long run." I mean, I thought there was a right way but there was not. At that moment, my friend had some idea and said to me, "There are two choices in your life and time will come that you have to choose between those ways. But you know what, whichever path you take, you will end up feeling regretful. So you can choose a way and get your life back on track. After that, maybe in 10 or 20 years time, you could realize that those miserable past experiences and choices were not mistakes at all." If I am faced with a problem, I can decide my own way in life. That's why I can't live without this word.
To start over my life, I went down the night high school and I met many different kinds of people. It goes without saying that I busily do everything at night time, academic classes, athletic meet or swimming class etc. I remember that there was an old woman about 47 years old who had a dream to become a child carer. She got married at a very young age. Even though she was getting older, she's pursuing her dream. One guy lost his parents when he was a child. But he managed on his own, went down at school and work. there was one who stood up again in his life even though he got bullied and left school before. Then there was a woman who suffered from child abuse from her parents when she was young. As an effect, though it may sound odd but she hurt herself physically as her way to be happy.
Looking back, I appreciated that I was dependent on myself and shared precious experiences with them. Just like any stories with a happy ending, we graduated in high school together. Then I finished my college. Everything would have fallen through without my family, my friends' support and splendid words.
『Cebu』
I currently live in Cebu for 10 months. It is nice and simple and I spend a full life here. I met countless number of people and share great experiences with them. It brought about my dream in life. "What's the purpose of life ?"There's no-one who can give the correct answer. In life, everybody has a sort of intense desire including me. Such as, social position, the love of money and material things etc. They can't remove insatiable wants but their time will come someday and this desire won't bring anything worthwhile.
I reflected on my past life that I have nothing to be proud of. So, I always take a roundabout having failures and regrets over and over again in my life. Now, I even don't have social position or don't have almost everything. So far, I've been asking myself day after day, "Are you gonna be all right? Who had I become?" However, I believe that everything happens for a reason in life. At one or another, I appreciate something that I could connect my life with all of those that happened in my past. My life is really like a roller coaster but there's always people around me. I mean, my life definitely consists of special people and I'm pretty sure of what I have to do.
『Realization』
The purpose of life is to inspire someone and vividly be remember. That's the idea I have. So, if you know who your dearest person is right now, you have to celebrate life with all your might and laugh together. You should savor the moment with them and give everything you can. The result of my life is caused by the discouragement and failure I had encountered but it has strongly stick in my mind that I savored that curry in my youth. I'd like to say again that life is fleeting moment. Life is not how great the end will be, it's how you treasure them and live in their deepest heart.This perception is what I tell myself.
